Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
