I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
