I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
