lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
