I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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