We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dick very happy bro
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
