I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
