So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
