I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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