Just fell off a train. Bad.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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