I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
