I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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