you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
