FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
