he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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