It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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