Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
