I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize