Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you had me at cake vodka
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
