She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
