Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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