Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
