I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
