Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
