I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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