you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
