oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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