Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
