I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
