I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
