I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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