Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
