Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
