dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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