I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
