I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
