Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
