I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
