just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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