A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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