I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
