I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
