i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
