saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
