for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
