I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
