While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
