it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need water and some morals
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
