hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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