Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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