My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
