everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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